


a box full of sharp objects

by lovebugh



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Author Projecting, Graphic Description, Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Out of Character, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:49:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovebugh/pseuds/lovebugh
Summary: tweek struggles with the consequences of a suicide attempt / tw: f slur, self harm, suicide attempt, graphic descriptions
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch
Comments: 7
Kudos: 74





	a box full of sharp objects

**Author's Note:**

> seriously be mindful of the trigger warnings. i dont wanna mess up anyones recovery. also this is mostly just me projecting lol enjoy ;)

It was a morning like any other.

Overcast, cold, and slow.

It was also.. Quiet.

Over the years, South Park had grown oddly quiet. Once notorious for tragedies and ridiculously chaotic events, somewhere along the line it had returned to its stagnant and melancholy state. Perhaps it was because people had grown old and tired. Tweek speculated it was partly because somewhere in middle school, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny finally dropped Cartman to wreak havoc by himself. As it turned out, wreaking havoc was almost impossible by himself, with no motivators and no help. It felt as if in that year, everyone was able to take a deep breath. The evil was subdued. Cartman himself had grown more mature as well, but an asshole at heart can never change.

So.. yeah. South Park was quiet.

Tweek woke up the same as any other day, exhausted, bones aching, and soul heavy. He began his routine, got dressed, washed his face, brushed his teeth. Skipped breakfast like always, and poured coffee into his thermos. Took his medication, put on his shoes, and locked the door behind him. Walked to the cafe, got ready to open, and there his workday began. Tweek's routine had been painfully consistent for a while now. Whether it was a school day or a weekend, it was all the same. Every day, he woke with his soul weighed by something unexplainable, and soon the eternal fire in his chest began to burn. Some days felt so far away from him that he was sure many days would blend into one memory before he managed to regain grasp of the passage of time. It was hell. 

Tweek had brought up how he felt on multiple occasions to his parents. He gave up a while ago when their only responses were that the medication would help make sure he wouldn't have another incident. Another incident. At this rate, all he thought about was another incident. Unhappy before, unhappy now, just different shapes of miserable.

Tweek leaned against the counter, cheek against his fist, drifting away, daydreaming about some anime he'd been watching lately.

His ears perked up when he heard the sound of the doorbell, jingling gently throughout the cafe. He opened his eyes, preparing to put on his customer service voice, before realizing who it was.

"Tweeeeek, my sweet boy! How are you on this fine Saturday morning?" Tweek gently smiled at the voice. He did have a few friends that stuck with him despite it all. He just.. wished some had stayed.

"Same as always Ken, you?" Tweek eyed Kenny's enthusiastic face, deep blue eyes glowing along with the freckles on his face. With his tooth gap and dimples, blue eyes, freckles, and golden hair, Tweek always thought Kenny's features were very pretty and endearing. He was golden, inside and out.

Kenny took a seat on the counter, looking about ready to explode. "I kissed him." Tweek began to make the two coffees: caramel frappe for Kenny, and iced hazelnut latte for himself. Kenny was a surprising sweet tooth. 

“What?!” Tweek smiled up at Kenny as he worked, who was bursting with excitement. "Tell me how it went!"

"Dude, it was.. god." He chuckled, fondly looking off into space, probably imagining the face of the boy he's so deeply in love with. Whenever Kenny talked about him, Tweek couldn't help the warm feeling that unfurled in his chest. Soon after he couldn't help a painful poison that spread in his veins, this jealousy. He'd never admit feeling such a gross way, and every time it happened he wanted to curl into himself with the guilt that surrounded those selfish thoughts. "We snuck out earlier in the morning, his dumbass parents grounded him again for breaking a glass. Anyways, we ended up at Starks Pond, watching the sunrise together. It was just so beautiful and peaceful, and it was one of those moments where everything feels right in the world even though everything is actually super shitty. So I looked at him, said ‘Hey Leo,’ and just kinda went for it." Tweek got so lost in Kenny's story he forgot that he had to reply. Kenny seemed lost as well as he gazed into space in front of him, a faint pink dusted his cheeks.

The two fell silent for a moment as Tweek waited to hear the rest of the story. He finished making their drinks and tried to hand Kenny his coffee, who managed to get distracted by his own story. “Is there more or did you run to tell me as soon as it happened?”

“Huh?” Kenny glanced at Tweek, who simply smirked and raised an eyebrow, before noticing the drink being offered to him. “Oh! Dude my bad, yeah we kissed some more and that was really great but then he had to go home before his parents noticed he was gone.”

“How romantic,” Tweek teased, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t wish he had someone to kiss at sunrise.

Kenny just smiled, happily sipping on his sugary coffee.

The bell chimed again, and upon seeing a normal customer, he put on his customer service voice.

"Hello! What can I get for you today?"

The woman ordered, and thankfully all went smoothly. Tweek made the drink, did the transaction, and wished the woman a nice day in a swift routine with no mistakes.

Once the door closed behind her and she was a few steps away from the cafe, Kenny snickered.

"'Have a nice day ma'am!'" He mocked, putting on a high, anxious, and overall fake voice.

"Shut up!" Tweek smacked Kenny's arm, hard enough to get the point across. "I have to do that or else they're gonna think I'm rude and it's just a whole can of worms from there!" Kenny continued to laugh, and soon it died down.

"I'm sorry dude, it's just a whole different person. I should name him something else. Something biblical so that all the religious moms around here are softened by the name of a good Christian man. What're you thinkin'?" Tweek laughed at the idea but began to think, and then realized that he had forgotten most, if not all of the characters of the bible. Characters of the bible? God, Tweek was going to Hell.

"What if we went bold?" Tweek offered, covering the fact that the 'church' compartment in his brain was empty and full of cobwebs, save for one scrap of paper that said 'NO HOMOS' in large print.

"Bold how?" Kenny sadly sucked on his straw, where it had met the last of his frappe as it began to loudly suction air.

"What about Jesus? That's a strong biblical name, don't you think?"

The two discussed their bible name knowledge for a while longer, eventually drifting on to other subjects such as school drama, Butters, and then somehow whether aliens would have religion. Tweek always repeated the same spiel, with growing passion each time. _Think about it. If there truly is a god, let's say God from the Bible, then wouldn't he have made the other life forms on other planets? Would they have the same bible? Would they have their own version of Jesus? It couldn't be our Jesus._ No matter how many times he'd repeat it, everybody enjoyed listening. Especially these days, when Tweek seldom got passionate and excitable.

Tweek had made the two more coffee, once he suspected Kenny would spend more time at the cafe. Not that he minded at all. It was nice to have someone around to feel like a normal teenager with a normal teenage life, and not some fragile time bomb.

The thing about having an incident though is that nobody ignores it, whether they care or not. So, sometimes even Kenny would allude to it.

"Hey." Kenny dropped his voice, painting a serious, concerned look on his face. "How are you doing?" People always favored an indirect way to ask about it.

"You can ask like a normal person." 

"That is how you ask like a normal person."

Tweek sighed, "Ok, then ask like a weird person." Kenny shifted in his seat on the counter, dropping his legs down to dangle over the edge.

"Do you feel like trying to kill yourself again?" It felt like something had shot through Tweek's heart. But it was ok. This was better than the roundabout way. It felt.. nicer. Somehow.

"Sometimes, Kenny." Kenny remained silent, staring sadly at Tweek. Tweek knew he couldn't help it. He knew he'd probably do the same if he were Kenny. But he wished he could read the look as anything other than pity. "But hey, spending time with you makes it a lot easier." Tweek gently grinned at Kenny, who looked down and chuckled.

"Makes it easier for me too, man. Are your arms healing ok?"

"I'd say so. They're itchy sometimes, but just scars now." Tweek rolled up a sleeve, knowing Kenny would have asked anyway. The scars were prominent and clearly new, but had healed nicely, which Tweek was thankful for. He knew it would've made the situation even worse if they had reopened or gotten infected.

Just as he rolled up the sleeve, the doorbell jingled. He quickly pulled down the sleeve in a panic, swearing under his breath. Why was it always at inconvenient times?

Kenny fell silent, but Tweek immediately felt a shift in the air. He understood why as it registered who had walked in.

"Hi, what can- Craig." It felt like his heart had fallen into his stomach. There in the flesh, Craig Tucker, in all his 6'4 glory. Blue chullo hat, black jeans, random hoodie. And, Tweek couldn't help but notice, shockingly skinny.

"Hey Tweek, Kenny." Kenny nodded, warily watching the stoic giant that had entered the shop.

"Hey, Craig." Tweek cleared his throat, attempting to be normal. He wouldn't be weird about this. Craig meant no harm, and was simply there for a coffee. A coffee? "You a coffee drinker now?" Awesome. Great start after not talking to someone for maybe a year.

Craig snorted, "Hell no, you know me. My girlfriend wanted a coffee." Kenny began to cough after inhaling his coffee. Tweek almost did the same on his saliva.  
“Girlfriend, huh?" Tweek seriously hoped his shock and nerves weren't showing. Then he noticed the intense vibration in his body. Maybe Craig would write it off as a usual occurrence.

"Ah, yeah. She's a grade ahead, senior. Georgia?" Tweek thought Georgia was gay. Tweek thought Craig was gay. Tweek smiled as warmly as he could, which was probably barely lukewarm, and nodded. 

"Ahh yeah, think I have a class with her. Well, what can I get you guys?" Craig ordered a caramel macchiato, and of course, a hot chocolate for himself. As Tweek went to make the drinks, he could hear Kenny and Craig begin to talk. God, please, be cool Kenny. 

"Y'know Craig.." _Oh fuck._ "I never took you as one for the ladies..." Tweek could hear the implications and judgment behind Kenny's voice, and Tweek hoped Craig was socially awkward enough to not pick up on it.

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" 

"Oh, nothing! Just surprised you landed a girlfriend. Tell us about her." _Kenny. Kenny. Kenny._ Why couldn't he hear Tweek's mind signals? 

"Uhh well. She's super into music, plays the bass. She's into roller derby too, which is pretty sweet." _Kenny. Kenny. Kenny please._

"HUH! That is so interesting, all of those cool things she's into." Tweek knew what Kenny was thinking. Because Tweek was thinking the same thing. _That's a lesbian, you're dating a lesbian._

"Ken." Tweek shot Kenny a look, which was supposed to be a glare, but was more _please god stop you're making this so hard to act normal and i'm going to lose my mind._ Kenny complied and quietly sipped his drink. 

Luckily, Tweek had finished making the two drinks for Craig and Georgia. 

Tweek hadn’t spoken to Craig since he was in the hospital. Craig visited twice, but both times were painful and awkward. Tweek couldn’t run anywhere, couldn’t escape, and simply had to sit and take being stared at like he was a stranger, a freak. Craig couldn’t do much but ask how Tweek was doing, stare at the bandages on Tweek’s arms, and look everywhere else in the room that was filled with silence and pity. Tweek could never bring himself to attempt conversation or make things feel somewhat normal despite the fact that he knew nothing was going to be normal for a long, long time. Maybe never again, he’d convinced himself. He never did much those days but stare at the hospital room’s ceiling, sob, and plan more attempts once he was let out of the hospital. It was the strangest feeling. He’d never been so numb in his life, most of his days beforehand he was consumed by anxiety and panic to the point of being unable to function. He’d spend days at a time so far down a spiral, reality felt like an illusion. He felt stuck in his brain, loud and buzzing and throbbing from constant stress-induced headaches. All he could do was rip out his hair, claw and scratch at his skin until he bled, bite until he tasted that familiar metallic liquid. Every day was spent hurting just to ease what the mind wanted so badly. Pain, it yearned for pain. It screamed and begged to have his head smashed against a wall, through a window, where we could pick up the broken glass and slit his wrists. It cried to stab himself with the pencil he took notes with in class, through his stomach, through his temple. The thoughts were so exhausting, one day he decided to comply. He took too many pills, just like he felt the impulse to do every day. He went to the store just to buy one last monster and a pack of sharp razor blades, sharper than anything he’s used before. He went home, took the pills with the white monster. He opened the pack of razor blades, sat in his empty bathtub, took off his shirt. He started slicing. And slicing and slicing and slicing. It did not hurt. He knew, somewhere far away that the pain was unbelievable. But seeing the flesh and fat rip apart, over and over, watching deep crimson blood spill out was far more satisfying than he could imagine. He remembered laughing, but also remembered the feeling that his face was wet with something salty. A bang on the door. One last ripping motion across his arm. Blood sprayed, the door opened. Mom, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I sobbed. Help me. In that moment, Tweek remembered how Godly he felt. He felt disgusting and rotten and out of body, but he’d never felt Godlier. The control he had in his hands, he could do anything. He could slit his throat, slit his mom’s throat too. They’d die together and spend eternity as wandering souls, holding hands over fields and streets and sidewalks and oceans. He wondered if it’d be an eternal melancholy, or an eternal peace, the struggles of the world left behind in their bleeding, empty bodies. He wondered if she could garden in this new life how she loved, or if he could even drink another cup of peppermint coffee while he wrote songs for his friends. His mom never looked so distraught as the moment she busted through the door, seeing her child spraying blood onto their pale blue walls, their white tile shower. Tweek remembered her pause in his daze, not even for a second. It was like the motherly cogs in her brain began to turn in a way they never had to, working hard just to keep him alive. I’ll never do this again, he thought. I’m going to make her happy. The days after, he’d forgotten the promises he made to himself, planning more attempts, going crazy in the hospital room that would not let him hurt the way he needed to. Even now in his mind-numbing routine of days that passed like a dream, he still lived every moment only wanting to try again, try again, try again. He knew he wouldn’t. He thought he wouldn’t, at least. Impulses would never make it certain. Some things helped. Tweek’s mom, the friends that stuck around, hobbies that kept his mind away from the pit he fell in so many years ago.

Memories hurt the most, despite the healing scars and the struggle of recovery. He missed his life before things got so terrible. He missed his friends. He missed Craig. He missed doing stupid things and getting mad, he missed feeling those sudden rushes of pure love for his friends. He missed expressing it through letters and baking and coffee and music. Along with his friends, Tweek had lost chunks of himself. He loved Kenny. But Kenny was no replacement. Kenny was Kenny, golden, but nothing could fill the void of a few idiots that he'd risk everything for. 

As much as he said he didn't care, he still had Snapchat memories full of their faces and voices. It hurt. People asked why he kept them, and he replied that they just didn't affect him, so why delete good memories? In reality, Tweek cared so much he liked the hurt. 

There were other things he kept, remnants of life before he tried to end it. Instagram posts, pictures in his camera roll, pictures on his walls, old texts. The texts were maybe the worst. Intimate conversations, 'i love you's, evidence of facetime calls that lasted for hours into the night. Tweek called Craig before his plans went into action. In a final attempt to save himself, he called three times, no answer. At the time he took it as a sign. Looking back, it was only an unfortunate coincidence. While he bought the monster and the blades, Craig texted. While he took the pills, Craig called. While he slit his wrists, his phone wouldn’t stop making noise he only heard in the distance, despite setting his phone on the edge of the tub. He guessed somebody must have called his mom, who came home from work and walked right into the horror scene.

Aside from all the texts and pictures and memories, there was one more thing. Tweek felt so ashamed to have it, but he never said a word about it to him. Not after all these years.

Hidden in his room, a black hoodie with a small NASA logo embroidered on the top corner. 

Craig’s black hoodie with a small NASA logo embroidered on the top corner. 

Craig had let him borrow it years ago, just one cold night. Tweek could still remember, he felt so nice. Everything felt so nice. The group had been hanging out all summer day, walking around town finding things to do. They talked to other people, helped with small things, hung out, ate some food, joked around. Everything he missed. He could remember, despite everything they did, he and Craig couldn’t keep eyes off each other. Despite everyone around them, they felt like they were in their own world. And it all felt right. 

The night got colder, and everyone was walking home. Craig noticed Tweek’s shiver, and threw his hoodie onto his head. Tweek only laughed, silently thanking him, and gently bumping against the other boy’s body as they walked in serene silence.

Eventually, they made it to Tweek’s house, the farthest away from the rest, where Craig offered to walk him to his door. The other guys teased, but averted their eyes and distracted themselves while Craig and Tweek walked up the driveway.

The two had forgotten about the hoodie.

“Goodnight, Craig,” Tweek smiled, hand on the doorknob. “Today was fun.”  
Tweek noticed Craig avert his eyes to the ground, something had suddenly shifted in his mood.

“G’night.” Before Tweek could say anything else, Craig swiftly turned around and walked towards the guys.

Tweek watched for a moment, and waved goodbye, before going inside.

For the next few weeks, Tweek promised every day to bring in the sweater, ‘forgetting’ it every morning. Eventually, he really did forget. So did Craig. Only recently did he rediscover the hoodie, tears welling in his eyes as he gently traced the embroidered logo with his fingers. Why did things turn out this way? Was it all Tweek’s fault? It had to be. He’s the one who tried to kill himself. But why did nobody stick around? Why was nobody there for him?

Tweek knew the unfortunate truth about what happened when you failed to end your life. People get scared. Whether they were afraid of you, the situation, or anything else Tweek wasn't sure, but he knew they were afraid. It showed in every sad look, every gentle phrasing. Nobody wants to be the straw that broke the camel's back again. So people distance themselves, people drift away, so they can separate themselves from the situation, but not feel entirely bad because it's not like they were assholes about it. That's what hurt the most. Tweek knew as much as he wanted to call them assholes, he wasn't mad. Nobody wanted to hurt him. They just didn't want to get hurt too. He understood the sense of self-preservation. He was too stressful to be around, far too dangerous. Who knew what he would do next. Hurt others?

Tweek's first day back to school. Blinding attitude, Kenny McCormick. Wasn't afraid, wasn't gentle, wasn't an asshole. He was just so unbearably and unapologetically Kenny. Loyal, bright, funny. Compassionate. As if he had lived a thousand lives, Kenny managed to pull Tweek from the depths of loneliness and somehow was able to help Tweek find life bearable enough to stick around. 

One person, who had no obligation or reason, dedicated time to pull one small person from the brink of suicide.

And Tweek could never thank Kenny enough.

Tweek finished the transaction, handing Craig his change. "Welp, there you go. See you around."

"Right. Thanks." Craig shoved his change into his pocket, and simply stood at the counter, hands resting on top of the drinks. Kenny threw Tweek a curious look, and   
Tweek threw a confused one back. He stepped away, about to pretend to clean the machines he didn't get dirty, until Craig spoke up.

"Wait- um." Tweek turned back, silent. "Do you wanna hang out sometime? I can text you whenever you get off or something.."

Tweek's already fast-paced heart picked up speed. What was this? Pity? Did he feel too awkward to just leave?

But Tweek knew Craig. Or at least, thought he did, until the Georgia thing. Craig didn't do things out of pity. He was straightforward and had a tendency to say the wrong things at the wrong times, just because he liked to be honest about his thoughts.

"Craig.. y-you don't.. have to do this." Tweek had squeezed his eyes shut. Every part of him wanted to say yes. Every other part of him wanted to drop dead immediately.

"Do what?"

"Like.. I don't know. You don't have to do anything just because you feel bad." Every cell in Tweek's body screamed and raged and wanted to run away as fast as he could away from everything that was happening. Despite the hurting it somehow felt better to just leave it alone.

"No, Tweek. I miss you." Tweek fell silent, eyes lingering on Craig's face. He didn't realize how different he looked. Not at all, and yet completely. He guessed he himself looked older too, just like everybody else. It was the first time he noticed that somehow Craig had grown a thousand times hotter over the time he hadn't seen him. Plus a new lip piercing certainly didn't help the heat that desperately tried to rise to Tweek's face. 

Kenny reached a foot out behind Tweek, gently tapping him on the butt. Tweek looked at Kenny, who firmly nodded his approval.

Tweek let go of the breath he was holding, and turned back to Craig. "Uh- ok. Yeah. Text me sometime." Craig chuckled, with a toothy smile that revealed he had gotten his braces removed. Looked good, Tweek noted. He always thought the braces were cute, but now he wasn't sure how much of Craig he could call cute anymore.

"Ok. Thanks for the drinks. I'll see you later." Tweek smiled back, waving goodbye as Craig ducked out of the shop, drinks in hand. God, the girlfriend. What the hell was Craig up to.

Once Craig left, Tweek almost immediately collapsed onto the counter, head in hands, sighing deeply.

"You ok, dude?" Kenny reached out and placed a comforting hand on Tweek's shoulder.  
"Fuck. He's hot now." Kenny barked a laugh, and Tweek couldn't help but giggle along. "He's gonna break my heart and look good doing it." Tweek covered his red face in his hands. Kenny teased him for the rest of the day, but Tweek knew Kenny encouraged this new development. Kenny had always been slightly bitter about Tweek’s old friends, but he wanted what was best too. Tweek guessed Kenny deemed this best.

Eventually, Tweek got off work and the two parted ways. Tweek went home and Kenny went god knows where.

Tweek slowly clicked the front door shut behind him, hoping to avoid his dad bombarding him with questions and orders and chores and slightly threatening comments. Luckily it seemed his dad was busy upstairs, some music for middle-aged dads gently playing upstairs. He walked through his house, through the back sliding door, and grinned at his mom, who was tending the garden she loved like a second son. Maybe more.

"Hey, mom." Mrs. Tweak glanced up from her cherry tomato plants, and grinned warmly.

"Hi lovebug! How was work?" Tweek glanced up at the stars in the sky and wondered why his mom preferred to work in the garden at night.

"Normal. Kenny kept me company. Guess who stopped by?" Tweek walked towards the garden, gently touching leaves and plants as if he was helping.

"Mm, the president?" Tweek snorted,

"When you think about it, Mr. Garrison stopping by isn't too unlikely." Mrs. Tweak hummed, muttering something about how she remembered what he used to order. "Craig came by."

Mrs. Tweak stood straight up, dropping a few of the cherry tomatoes she had stored in her makeshift skirt basket. "Oh!" Tweek watched her face shift from surprise to delight to concern, then a mix of all three in an instant. He understood.

"..Yeah. He said he missed me and asked to hang out sometime." Tweek pulled at a thread on his sweater, and stared at his shoes. He knew his mom wasn't too fond of his friends at this point. She used to love them, and they loved her. Clyde.. a little too much.

"What did you say?" Tweek fell silent, kicking up some grass with his boots.

"...Said ok," he mumbled. As the emotion on her face twisted, he immediately jumped to defense. "Kenny was there and I was apprehensive but he encouraged me to say yes. I trust his judgment, don't you?" There are thousands of reasons why one wouldn't trust Kenny's judgment. But for the most part, he knew best, even if it was a little weird.

Tweek knew she wouldn't say anything though, because for a while Kenny was all he had. Plus, he was a respectful, well mannered young man. To her, at least.

Mrs. Tweak sighed, shaking her head. "I want you to do what you think is best. But I want you to be careful."

"Mom.. he isn't dangerous or anything. It's Craig." Craig, underneath a stoic and assholeish exterior, was a huge softie. Just a big dork.

"I know that sweetie, but he wasn't there for you. I just feel like you need friends that are gonna stick around when things go bad. Like Kenny, or Bebe." Tweek understood where she was coming from. That's why he was apprehensive to begin with. But everyone messes up. Hell, Tweek was the one who planned to not stick around to begin with.

"I know, Mom. I'll be careful, but I think it's gonna be ok. I miss him too." Mrs. Tweak hummed in response, walking closer to place a kiss on his forehead. It was easy considering Tweek was short from all the caffeine addiction. 5'6. One of the shortest boys in class. He didn't mind all that much.

"Ok, sweetie. Now help me bring in our bounty today. Lots of cherry tomatoes!" Tweek smiled in response, and helped his mom finish picking the vegetables.

+++

"So he invited Georgia? Kinda kills the mood." Kenny was once again sat on the counter next to wear Tweek stood, but today Butters leaned against him, embraced in Kenny's arms. 

"Wait, Georgia? That's who Craig is dating?" Bebe chirped from the bar seat, where she scrolled through Craig's Instagram with judgment. "What's her Instagram?"

Butters typed the username in for Bebe, who scrolled through the minimal amount of posts.

"This is like, if somebody were to make a catfish account with Georgia's face photoshopped into everything." As the phone was passed around, Tweek agreed that it seemed completely fake.

"Wait a damn minute," Kenny raised his voice upon seeing the account, "this is not the account it used to be. Used to be a whole bunch of punk and activist shit on here. Now she looks like somebody's holding her gunpoint to act like a live laugh love bitch." 

Tweek pursed his lips. Georgia was known to be pretty different and outspoken compared to the conservative town of South Park. Adults in town hated her, thought she was disrespectful, but she was really the nicest girl.

As he scrolled through her posts, his heart clenched upon seeing a picture with Craig. It was just a kiss on the cheek, but Tweek couldn't help that venomous feeling that made his blood boil, and like his heart had turned itself inside out. 

When he paused on the picture, everyone fell silent. It was so out of character for both of them. "What is going on with these two..?"

+++

Tweek walked into the Harbucks that was only down the street from his own cafe, and was instantly met with the smell of coffee, pastries, and the sound of chatter and faint indie music.

He looked around, and found Craig waving him down, where Georgia sat next to him.

Tweek took a deep breath, and as confident as he tried to be, shyly walked over to the table.

"Hey Tweek, so this is Georgia-"

"Oh my god, Bikini Kill!" Georgia almost yelled, making Tweek's eyebrows shoot up as he flinched at the sudden outburst.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to come on so strong, I just love your shirt," Georgia smiled, extending a fist which Tweek apprehensively bumped with his own.

He sat down and observed his shirt, which was indeed Bikini Kill, and smiled back. "Thanks, also don't feel bad.. I flinch at everything.." Tweek laughed weakly, and glanced at Craig who gave him a sad smile.

"That's so cool that you're into them. What other music are you into?"

The two got to know each other enthusiastically for an hour, before Georgia checked her phone and groaned. 

"Ugh, I've gotta head out to band practice. I'll see you guys later, glad I got to know you Tweek, you're as awesome as Craig makes you out to be," with that, Georgia left with a wink, and Tweek couldn't help the heat that rose to his face in response to the implication.

"You guys get along really well," Craig commented, who had been a little quiet through the hour.

"She's great!" Tweek responded sweetly, which made Craig nod and smile in response. "She's a lesbian." 

Craig's eyes widened twice their size as he choked on his drink he was sipping.

Tweek simply watched, unamused.

Once Craig finished choking, he cleared his throat and casually asked, "What makes you say that?"

Tweek held up his fingers and began to count off them, "She's punk, she listens to lesbian punk bands, she plays roller derby, she plays the bass, she doesn't seem romantically into you at all-"

"You're just stereotyping, dude. Not cool."

"I may be stereotyping, but I'm right!"

Craig narrowed his eyes, slightly frowning at Tweek. He pointed an accusing finger at Tweek, "Since when did you get so bold and self-assured? Just the other day you were getting permission to hang out with me from Kenny. Kenny, of all people."

"Don't even start on Kenny unless you wanna get into a conversation neither of us want right now. Trust me, most of the time I am very much not bold and self-assured. But Craig, I looked death in the eyes and I also have impeccable gaydar, so I'm just telling it how it is." Craig remained silent, staring into his drink as he sipped on the straw.

"Impeccable gaydar?" He mumbled, raising his eyebrows at the claim.

"Yeah, so don't go thinking you're safe, fucker." Craig was silent again, until he began to chuckle, at first quiet and low, but it began to grow in volume, and buried his face in his hands.

Tweek stood corrected. There are parts of Craig left that can still be called cute.

He smiled to himself, beginning to laugh with Craig despite not knowing what was happening.

"I missed you so much, Tweek. God. You're so special." Tweek laughed, knowing his face had grown red, and reached out to hold Craig's hand.

"Look." Craig's voice got low and serious. He shifted weirdly in his seat, inhaling deeply and sort of held his breath.

"What's going on?" Craig drew his hand back from Tweek's grasp and glanced around, and Tweek's stomach dropped as he realized what Craig was doing. Always retreating.

"It's just so hard..?" Craig's voice was a mumble, but Tweek could hear the conflict in his words, the shame dripping out of his mouth.

"What's hard, Craig? Talk to me." Tweek would be lying if he said his nerves weren't picking up by the second, he always seemed to get them secondhand if not his own irrational reaction.

"I want to.." Craig's mood had completely shifted from just moments before. Tweek understood the feeling but he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to remain calm under the tense environment. He could already feel slight twitches trying to escape his body as the feeling rolled up his spine, landing in his neck. He grunted in the back of his throat, as he tried to stifle the snap movement of his head that had grown all too normal over the years.

"You're shaking." Tweek looked down to his hands, his arms, where we noticed an intense vibration in his body which he was suddenly extremely aware of. The feeling never got less uncomfortable.

Craig sat up, "I think I need to go," he quickly whispered under his breath. Craig rushed away from the table, making a beeline to the door.

"Craig!" Tweek struggled his way out of the table, tripping on chair legs and his own feet as he tried his best to not make a scene yet move with a sense of urgency.

The doorbells chimed as the two left, one after another. Craig was practically jogging, his eyes focused on his feet as he ignored Tweek's calls to stop.

"Craig- Agh!" Tweek's tics and twitches were picking up, seeming to explode out after stifling them in the cafe. "Please, pl- grh!- please stop, stop!" Craig stopped in his tracks, but remained silent. Tweek let himself twitch for a moment as he shook out his hands, as if shaking off the anxiety he felt. "Craig, please don't leave me again."

“I don't know what to do, Tweek. It’s too much.” Tweek didn’t reply at first, his mind coming up with a billion things Craig could have been talking about. Of course, in his anxiety-riddled brain, the first possibility that pops up is suicide. Was Craig suicidal? No, that’s terrible. There was no way. Tweek physically shook his head as if to shake out the thoughts, get a somewhat clear head before replying. 

The singular brain cell that bounced around his brain finally hit a corner just perfectly, which caused a rare coherent thought. The sweatshirt. “Just come over, Craig. I need to give you something.” After a few seconds, Craig turned around and began to walk with Tweek towards his house. It was a quiet walk, as they lightly bumped into each other, just like the day Craig gave Tweek the sweater. This time there were no giggles, no endearing glances filled with love. There was tension between them. Tweek knew they could both feel it. The feeling that something was supposed to happen between them. The knowledge that they loved each other, but for some reason couldn’t do anything about it. After all this time, Tweek still wanted to lunge over and kiss Craig, feel the heat between their bodies pressed together, something stable for Tweek to hold onto when everything else in his life felt shaky and fragile. He wanted that feeling of butterflies erupting in his belly, instead all he got were moths that gnawed on the side of his stomach, and a weight that made his heart ache worse than it ever had. He wanted to scream I love you, he wanted to hold him and never let go, he wanted to hold him so close they became one. The intensity of all of Tweek’s feelings for Craig was only worse when He stood shoulder to arm next to him, due to the height difference that somehow made Tweek feel a sense of safety. 

Craig followed Tweek in silence all the way up to his room. It was starting to feel unbearable. Craig stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, gazing at his familiar surroundings. Tweek paused, embarrassed as he remembered where exactly he kept the hoodie. He glanced at his pillow, before meeting eyes with Craig.

“Can you cover your eyes?” Cutting through the tense atmosphere, Craig smirked, then began to giggle. The moths fluttered. 

“Am I about to receive payback for ditching you?” Tweek smiled sadly to himself. That was certainly a subject the two had been dancing around. 

“That’s for another time,” The smile turned mischievous. Craig complied, closing his eyes and covering them with his palms. Tweek took this opportunity to observe the situation, Craig in his room. It had been a while since his room was taken up by his presence. His heart ached as he remembered old sleepovers, being cuddled by the taller boy. He felt so safe in his arms. 

Tweek came back to life and removed the hoodie from under his pillow, folded neatly, but unwashed. Craig’s smell was soon overtaken by Tweek’s general coffee smell, but if he tried hard enough, he could still remember. “Ok, you can look now,” Tweek announced as he unfolded the black hoodie.

As Craig opened his eyes, Tweek presented the hoodie to him, hoping he’d still remember that night the same way Tweek did.

“Holy shit,” Craig gasped, moving to grab the hoodie from Tweek.

“Do you remember when you gave this to me?” 

“Of course I remember… That was a good day. Before things got bad.” 

Tweek scoffed at the subtle mention of his suicide attempt. After a moment, he realized things might have gotten bad for Craig too. Tweek always thought he was overthinking when Craig felt more distant after that day.

“Craig.. Did things change after that night? I just remember you retreated when I thought… well… but then after that? I just don’t know.” Craig sighed as he stared at the NASA symbol on the hoodie he held, and took a seat on Tweek’s bed.

“I loved you. I knew I did. It was terrifying. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to, but I wanted it so bad. I wanted to be with you. When I left that night it was just a fear of getting any closer. I went home and told my dad. ‘I like a guy.’ That’s all I said.” Tweek sat down next to Craig, whose voice was weak and quiet. His heart was pounding at the words that poured out of Craig’s mouth. “He exploded. Screaming, telling me how much of a disappointment I was, called me a faggot. Told me I’d burn in Hell. My mom just watched. She looked sad.” 

There was the look of pity on Tweek’s face that everybody gave him. He hated it, but now he understood. “Craig, I’m so sorry. None of the stuff he said is true.”

Craig snorted, “I believed him. I hated myself for loving you. But I couldn’t stop. How could I? You’re so incredible and kind, and unbelievably cute.” Tweek blushed at his words, which made him laugh more. Tweek never thought he was good looking at all. He had bad skin, wild hair, insane dark circles under his eyes. His body was awkward, his teeth were yellow from the coffee. How could he be cute? Yet, with Craig’s words, he felt a little cuter that day.

“So what’s with Georgia?”

“Well, first of all, she’s awesome to be around and has endless weed. But her parents are worse than mine. We were already friends beforehand, so we decided to sort of… fake date. For the sake of pleasing our parents. Get them off our dicks.” Tweek nodded sadly at Craig’s story. He understood, but his heart ached for the boy he loved to be forced back into a closet. “But.. I wouldn’t be opposed to real dating someone.. If that someone felt the same.” Tweek blushed again, realizing Craig still felt that way. It felt like things were falling into place the way they should. They’d happily date, maybe in secret, and everything would be ok. But it wasn’t that simple.

“Craig. I tried to kill myself, and you abandoned me.” Tweek felt Craig’s body go tense next to him, he might have stopped breathing. “I understand, I do. But it still hurts.”

Craig was quiet, running his short nails along his jeans, making a sound that made Tweek feel sick. Tweek reached out to grab his hand, but something inside him felt like the flicker of a flame when they touched, so he opted for intertwining their fingers to keep the feeling he couldn’t get enough of. He wanted to be closer, together. This would be fine for now. 

“Tweek, I could really never say sorry enough. When that happened, I was scared. I thought it was my fault for not being there.” Tweek opened his mouth to talk, but Craig squeezed his hand, which let him know it was ok. “I didn’t want to make things worse. I had no clue what to do with myself, and you wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t know if you remember. You were pretty out of it most of the time.” Tweek didn’t remember. This information sort of changed everything. Craig did try. Maybe not enough, but he did. “What can I do to make it up to you?” 

Tweek heavily sighed, tracing circles around Craig’s hand with his thumb. “All I ever needed from you was to be there. I can’t ask for anything more of you. Just you being here makes me feel more stable than I ever do.”

Tweek had always been a mess. Constant jitters, tics, twitches. Sleep was rare and so was peace. Balancing everything in life always felt like an unstable tower that could fall with a bad day. Sometimes he spent nights suffocated by anxiety and intrusive thoughts that he did everything he could to push out of his mind. His mom bought him everything he ever needed to cope, enough therapy for all the dads in the world, and endless amounts of support and love. Somehow it never felt like enough. He shook too much to play the piano, he worried too much to color inside the lines of his multiple children’s coloring books, and he felt too self-destructive to hold any object without involuntarily thinking of a way to hurt himself with it. He wasn’t sure why he’d always wanted to hurt so bad. It felt like he felt this way forever. He was exhausted. But, somehow, with Craig around, it all felt a little less like the world was ending. It was still hard. Craig had seen some unfortunate things from Tweek. In school, he’d witness Tweek punch a concrete wall a few too many times. But when Craig spoke, it was like being cradled. He felt so real to him, so stable and strong. Craig made Tweek want to really work hard at being ok, not that he didn’t already put immense amounts of effort into this goal. He was a remedy. Maybe the attachment was unhealthy, but slicing his skin open was just a bit unhealthier. 

Tweek leaned against Craig, hands still intertwined. “I still love you,” Craig whispered.

Tweek gently smiled, the moths that chewed at his stomach becoming fluttering butterflies. “I still love you,” Tweek replied, his voice raspy and high. “Can I have my friends back?”

Craig chuckled, “Depends if you want to hear Clyde talk about Glee all the time.” Tweek gasped,

“I sort of love Glee…” The two laughed at the guilty pleasure.

“Do I have to hang out with Kenny and Bebe now?”

“Their presence is a gift. Don’t forget dear sweet Butters.”

“Of course, how could I forget?”

Tweek looked up to admire how grown Craig looked, his facial features sharper and far more aged than the soft baby face Tweek was so used to. He couldn’t seem to get over the lip piercing, and felt heat rise to his face when he imagined what it’d be like to kiss him. Starting slow to be nice to his nerves, Tweek angled his face up to Craig’s and placed an awkward kiss on his jawline.

Craig smiled, and Tweek got a rush of self-assurance. “Craig, would you be willing to have a real boyfriend?” 

“Who would that be?” Craig smirked, pleased with his teasing, but Tweek removed himself from Craig’s side and snapped his hand back. 

“Nevermind. Nobody.” Tweek tried not to laugh at Craig’s disappointed face as he moved in front of Craig, who still sat on the bed. 

Craig stood up and towered over Tweek, and wrapped his arms around Tweek’s neck. Tweek could tell he knew exactly what he was doing as he dipped his head down to get in his personal space. Tweek simply stared wide-eyed, unused to this level of intimacy. How was Tweek ever going to do anything when this was already driving him crazy? The urge to stand on his toes and kiss the taller boy was overwhelming, as his heart pounded in his chest.

“Will you be my boyfriend? I’ll ‘break up’ with Georgia,” He grinned at his own words. The man thought he was a comedian. Love, excitement and joy erupted in his chest, the butterflies going crazy at the question. Tweek wasn’t sure he could speak without yelling, so instead, he opted for violently nodding his head yes. The urge overtook Tweek, who jumped up to plant his lips onto Craig’s. It was awkward and violent at first, but the two adjusted and melted into the kiss. Tweek could feel Craig smile against his lips, which caused Tweek to do the same. They broke away laughing, and Tweek noticed he hadn’t ever felt this overcome with positive emotion. He wanted to run a mile, he wanted to scream. He wanted to write a million love songs for this dorky boy he held in his arms.

God, he had a lot to tell Kenny.

**Author's Note:**

> told you it was me projecting. hope you liked ! <3 i realize the ending is kind of shit, i just wanted to be finished with it lol


End file.
